Tag Archives: family

An IED by any other name, by Sara Konish

12 Jul

Sara is an Army wife of a 3/1 Soldier, working mom, and grad student, currently reintegrating after a year long deployment.

I was watching the news last night with my Soldier and they were covering the situation in Syria.  The reporter was talking about the rebels making explosive devices to take down the enemy (the government).  They even showed them making the bombs, cooking the explosives, and what the bomb did to a truck when hit.  The reporter called them explosives, but they are IEDs (roadside bombs).  We are sitting there watching these people be justified in blowing someone up.  This is crazy to me!  I started thinking about my husband in Afghanistan and IEDs and what it really means when he says “they got blown up.”

War is a terrible thing!  There is no doubt about that.  But what are some other IEDs in life?

I had lunch with a girlfriend some time back and we talked about our reintegration experience.  She was saying things that sounded just like us.  She was talking about how her husband would be angry and moody.  He would say that it was her and she was the one unhappy.  She was talking about the drinking, more than normal, or at least more than before.  She was talking about not sleeping, or not going to bed together.  I knew exactly what she was talking about.

I remember listening to the ladies who had been through re-deployment  talking about the “honeymoon stage” and about when it wore off and the rubber meets the road.  These were just words to me…I didn’t think of them as anything but a possibility.  When Rick came home, we were awesome; things were great.  I thought, “man, we are awesome, we totally skipped all the stuff they were talking about…we must just be that good!”  Yep, as with most things, I was wrong!

Reintegration is hard.  It is even harder to explain to someone who has never been through it.  Civilian wives do not understand what it is like, and they can’t really imagine it either.  Our neighbor and I talk about the deployment (her husband was deployed like Rick only on a main base, didn’t do firefight missions, and she had regular communication with him via Skype, etc.), however, I do not want to discount their deployment experience; he was deployed and she was without him.

Anyway, we do have some very similar experiences.  For one, the guys left when we were both pregnant, and we had the babies alone (well with our moms).  So, both of our Soldier’s came home to a new baby.  Her sister was asking us about it this weekend.  She said that she just couldn’t imagine it, going through what we went through, alone.  I told her, we didn’t have a choice.  That was what we had to do.

I think about those who say I am so strong.  I don’t personally think so, but ok.  I have to admit, it was terrible.  I hated Rick not being here.  I remember being in the hospital, thinking I was in labor when the nurses were telling me I wasn’t.  I was crying and my mom was comforting me.  I remember saying “I just want Rick!”

So, (as far as) the IEDs in life?  When the guys come back, little things will trigger each of you.  Last weekend we were at a cookout and a wife made this “cardinal sin” comment;  she said “I don’t understand, you spent a year with these guys, why do you need to spend more time with them?”  Well, don’t ever say that to a guy back from deployment!  She lost the fight.

Another thing, I was thinking of putting my daughter’s room into the bigger room (currently the spare guest room).  Rick didn’t like the idea.  I told him it was easier when I was making decisions by myself.  Don’t say that!  It can be very hurtful.

Talking about how much they smoke now, when they didn’t before, is probably not a good idea.  This goes for drinking too, I think, unless it is out of hand, or he is violent [in which case you might need to talk to a chaplain, or a trusted friend].

I know it is going to be just words to someone else, but they are true.  You really have to get to know each other again.  You have to compromise.  You have been two separate people living two lives for a year!  You have NO idea what he went through, even if you think he told you a lot.  And he has NO idea what you went through.  Don’t compare, don’t complain, just listen and work hard to communicate.

Marriage is hard all by itself.  Marriage in the military is that much harder.  Be committed to each other.  Know that there is more than just love, so if you aren’t feeling the love, work harder.  PRAY!  I know that prayer has gotten me through both the deployment and the reintegration.  I know we aren’t perfect, but I know we will be ok and our life will be as great as we make it.

Strength and love to all my military wives out there,

Sara

My name is Sara Konish, I am a wife, mother, full time employee, and graduate student.  My life is crazy, but I love it.  My husband, Rick, is a medic attached to 1-26 IN of 3/1.  He returned from a year long deployment in January 2012.  We have a daughter, Halaina, who is our pride and joy.  You’d never know she was born while he was away because she is a HUGE daddy’s girl.  We live at Fort Knox, KY, where I work as a Civilian Human Resources Specialist for the Army civilians.  I am working toward my masters in HR.  Life is crazy, but that is what makes it worth living. 

For more about Sara, visit her blog at http://mrsdoc.blogspot.com/

“I HATE Army Wives…”, She Said

24 Oct

We just moved into housing on Fort Knox, when my neighbor crossed the street headed in my direction.  “Welcome to the neighborhood”, she said with a smile.  I graciously received her warm welcome.  Her greeting lost all steam when she added…”I HATE Army Wives, so please tell me you aren’t one of those types.”   I’m not sure what my response was, but I have no doubt my face reflected my shock!  There was more talk…  I seem to recall some negative comments regarding FRGs (Family Readiness Groups) and wives who wear their husband’s rank, but at this point, I must have been looking at her like she had two heads.   

Oddly enough, my neighbor and I became quick friends.  I worked hard to prove her stereotype wrong, and she worked hard to make sure I knew I was nothing more than an exception to the standard-issue “Army Wife”.   

Either way, I enjoyed the two years I lived across the street from her.  She was the kind of spouse that would come and check on you the day after “deployment send off”, and that in itself was a compassionate comfort I don’t remember getting when I lived outside the military community.  She also happened to be the kind of neighbor that would walk right into your house and plop down on the couch without an invite!  Not everyone would consider that an endearing quality, but I did.  It comforted me that someone considered me “familiar”.  

Being a Military Spouse means putting down quick roots.  We don’t necessarily have time to “know” a person before we find ourselves in a situation where we rely on them like family.    But much like our biological family, we don’t choose them, they simply “happen”.  It is up to us to decide whether we will endure their shortcomings in order to embrace the gift God has given to us in them…..or slam the door in their face.     

No one is perfect, and likewise, no one can singly fill the hole our deployed spouse has left.  But, without community, deployment can be like treading water in lead ankle weights.  Be wise in choosing friends; you cannot confide in everyone, nor can one person watch all four of your kiddos at the drop of a hat.  Cut others some slack.  Enjoy them for whom and what they are in this season of your life, making sure to give people permission to blow it now and then.  Hey!  After all, we are all doing our best to just make it through!