Aprille Donaldson is an Army wife to her Solider, Russ, a stay-at-home mommy to their bright and active toddler, Ezra, and an Operation Faithful Support spouse. While Russ is wrapping up his second deployment to Afghanisatn, Aprille commands the Donaldson homefront. She enjoys Facebook, coffee, sweets, playing the piano, writing music, photography, and hanging out in the military wife blogosphere. She has been actively involved in the 3/1 Operation Faithful Support chapter at Fort Knox. Check out her blog at http://www.beautifulinhistime.com/blog.php.
Prior to our mid-tour leave, I attended many meetings about RnR and reintegration. They warned that RnR could be a difficult time and that we can’t expect perfection. I heard it, but I didn’t really comprehend it. RnR during our first deployment was amazingly easy and I didn’t think that this time would be any different.
But it only took a few hours into my husband’s time home for me to realize the truth behind the warnings. I didn’t realize quite how much our family had changed until we tried to do something simple like watch a TV show. We used to watch TV with the computer on the coffee table while our baby Ezra would lay or sit quietly next to us. Now TV watching involved a noisy kid crawling all over both of us, messing with the computer, and clamoring for attention. It was a little thing – but it was an adjustment. I had adjusted gradually over the last 8 months but Russ had to adjust on the spot. Something neither of us expected–and it caused stress.
The first few days, Russ was in “go mode”– full speed ahead, take charge. It didn’t matter what it was, it was a task that needed accomplished and he was going to accomplish it. His anxiety levels were high, he was defensive, and he couldn’t relax. As we struggled to adjust to this highly dynamic force in our lives, Russ often felt like he was doing “everything wrong.” I responded by being stressed and anxious, which made Ezra fussy, which made Russ even more stressed. It was a horrible cycle. I kept thinking was “WHY IS THIS SO HARD!?!?!” It took lots of tears before I realized i needed to change my attitude. I was expecting perfection and when things weren’t perfect, I became so fixated on the problems, and trying to fix them, that I was missing just enjoying that Russ was home! I had to let go of my expectations, relax, and just focus on the good things–to set aside the problems and realize that 14 days isn’t enough time to fix everything. I took my hands off and let Russ take over as he saw fit – even if it was different from my way. I focused less on my husband’s anxiety problems and spiritual struggles and more on the love he was lavishing on us.
One of the things that was crucial for us was getting baby-free date time. Every time we had a date we came home feeling so NORMAL and in love. We also got some counseling. For some couples, doing this over RnR might not be the best option – but for us, it was. Having more freedom to talk about things in an environment that felt safe to us helped us so much.
As the two weeks progressed, our time together went from being difficult and stressful to being wonderful, amazing, and just plain old normal… and trust me, if you are feeling normal, you can count your time together as a HUGE success!
A more detailed account of our mid-tour leave (with pictures) can be found by visiting my blog: http://www.beautifulinhistime.com/blog/-so-how-was-your-rnr-